OK, I'm back but I don't know for how long.

I've watched a lot of movies. So many that most of them just blur together and I have trouble putting a title to a plot (where there was one). Most of the movies I've seen were bad. Oh, I manage to pull some kind of "lesson" or "moral" out of each one, but basically most of them were just bad.

To give you some kind of idea of the kind of movies I seem to attract, I recently made up a tape with four of them that I have. See how many you've seen (not you Tacboy) and how many of them have hit the charts with a bullet.

The first was "Liquid Sky," a fun-loving, introspective view into the underground drug society, an examination of some strange and bitter people's sexual exploits and their interrelationship with an endorphin-collecting alien who's small enough to fit into a flying saucer the size of a plate. Oh, and don't forget the German scientist spying on the whole mess from a nympho shrimp-lover's apartment across the way.

The second was "The Icicle Thief," an obvious rip off of the Italian classic "The Bicyle Thief", only in this one the real people watching the movie on TV, including the director, join the cast in the B&W movie, as does the swimsuit model (in color) from the commercial. Then the wife leaves the poor little Italian worker, moves over to the commercials, because it's so much better a world than hers.

The third was "Dead Heat," the story of a dead cop who tracks down his killer. No, it wasn't a slow-acting poison, he was really dead. And kept disintegrating more and more as time went by. Starred those magnificent actors Treat Williams (he was the dead one) and Joe Piscopo (actually, he ended up dead too). Hilarious hijinks in the dead/undead vein.

The Last I put on the tape was "A Boy and His Dog," a heart-warming story of a young man, living in the post-apocalypse world with his telepathic dog who "sniffs" out females for him to violate. Don Johnson's first role, I believe. He was in "Miami Vice." You do remember that, don't you? You don't? **Sigh** It's hard getting old.

My favorite memory of this last movie was when my friend Ed saw it. He made a remark which worked for this movie on so many levels. He looked at me and in a stunned voice said, "They ate the girl?" I just broke up on that one.

Anyway, I've got hundreds of others that virtually nobody has ever seen. But I bring it up under this subject heading because of the one I saw this morning. It was "Love Don't Cost a Thing." Now those of you who've seen this movie might wonder why a 60-year old white guy wasted his time. But as I always say, "I'll watch anything." And I mean it. I've even seen "Out of Africa."

The one thing which I got from this movie (which is about a black nerd trying to get in with the "cool" crowd in high school) was that we all get tied up with other people's opinions and, no matter how hard we try, they end up influencing our whole life. Even people who say "I don't care what people think of me" indirectly feel that influence. Their very attitude forces their life in a certain, non-conformist direction which they might not even want.

We spend our lives building relationships. Some end up as magnificent mansions that we want to live in forever, others as miserable hovels we can't wait to exit. Some we hold close to us and others we let go with scarcely a thought. These relationships shape us, sometimes in ways we don't understand, and it is frequently these other people's opinions that make our life misery or delight. Yet, in all of this, we are individuals, with our own thoughts and beliefs, and eventually this is what we have to live with, to come to terms with, to acknowledge.

A man I know recently said that he was rediscovering who he was, who he had submerged in another, and is finding out that he liked that person and won't let him go again. I hope he's serious about that because I sort of liked that guy too.

Now, for him to "rediscover" himself must mean that that person was inside him all the time, covered by a personna and mask formed by others. We all have that inner person, the five-year-old crying over a skinned knee, the ten-year-old trying so hard to please their parents, the fifteen-year-old just beginning to discover what life is about. We are formed from all our actions and the events of our life, but the core us is buried deep inside and we very seldom put them on display.

I was well into my 40's when I finally came to grips with who I really was. It was a shock, especially to realize that I liked that person with all his faults, wanted to be true to him. I'm now in my 60's and occasionally I'll let a few sharp points show.

I have realized that I'm the most selfish person I know. When I say this to those who love me they pooh-pooh me, but they don't know the real me. Like everyone else I have my masks, hopefully put on by me and not forced on by others. I grew up almost as an only child, of course I'm selfish. That inner person I sometimes embrace, because I really like him, really understand him. At other times I have to sit on him, keeping him down, as he will ruin my life if I let him. But it's my choice when to accept him and when to reject him, not someone else forcing me to.

Strange what things come to mind when writing this stuff. My wife last night asked me, "If I were to die, how long would you wear your wedding ring?" Now, all us guys know the right answer but my inner guy wouldn't allow that. First he asked, "How long do you think I should wear it?" And on her answer of "The rest of your life," my answer, of course, was "No. I would for a short time. But then I'd take it off." And the wonderful, wonderful thing about my wife was that she accepted my answer, no recriminations, no anger, realizing that I would wear it for a short time to honor our marriage, to remember her, and then put it away to move on with MY life. "Till death do us part." That part's in there for a reason.

However, switching back more to the original mode, it's so easy to let other people shape us and especially, to let other people's opinions of us or what we do direct our relationships boats into brackish water. For truly we are all going down the stream of life in individual boats. Sometimes we get close enough to shout to each other, sometimes we even tie our boats together, sometimes for impossible to imagine amounts of time. But we are all in our own boat, going at our own pace, some people taking numerous side trips (like my sons) into all kinds of black-water bays and tributaries leading nowhere, and others rowing as fast as we can down the main stream, scarcely seeing the landscape as it speeds by.

And every time we tie up to another boat, or even just bump into it, we are sent swirling in new directions, like in a "Run, Lola, Run" world of pinball actions. And one of the most powerful force the other boat exerts over us is the rower's opinions, both of the world and of us.

As an example, my wife constantly refers to me as a "king". And over the years, her opinions, her attitude has made me want to be a better man, a "king". This is an exception to the type of influence people generally have on you, however. Quite often we react much more to negative attitudes because we seem to encounter so many more of them.

Those close to us, close friends, family, even parents, spouses and children can have opinions that we can't agree with. And sometimes it's hard to disagree with them because of the closeness. We have to find just the right level on which to agree/disagree, because we do want these relationships to last but we want to alleviate the pain that may be involved in our differences.

You see, regardless of whatever differences you might have with someone, in truth their opinion of you should not be as important to you, the core you, the one who has to be with you 24/7, as your own opinion. At the same time, it's not necessary to forcefully let others know this. But it isn't necessary for you to worry about it either.

Some people are tied up in philosophical, political, ideological, or religious attitudes, considering their ideas as "Truth" and others as misled. They want to convince everyone else that they are right (don't we all want to be right), but that's pretty well impossible. And their tactics usually don't draw anyone to their way of thinking, but instead make them more entrenched in their own way.

If you come upon one of these people and want (or must) have a relationship with them, understand that their opinions are just that. You don't have to change to suit them and you don't have to argue that you're OK, just listen and consider what they have to say. Life has about 1% mental and emotional content and 99% just day-to-day stuff. Don't let the 1% make the 99% a pain.

There is a person who came into my life who believes that the best way to have a relationship is to be brutally honest. Only problem is that all of that person's honesty consists of attacks upon other people and complaints about other people's attitudes. This kind of "honesty" I don't need and don't want to be around. I can't change to like this, and I don't want to argue about it, so I will continue on in MY life, avoiding the problem as much as possible. That's the only way I can handle this person's opinions and still have even a hint of the relationship I should have with them.

Anyway, some more ramblings. Remember that when you lay down at night, even if there's someone there beside you, you're really alone. Shortly you'll be sleeping YOUR sleep, dreaming YOUR dreams. You have to be you, row your own boat down that stream in your own style, take everyone's opinions into account, but don't let them rule over yours. And don't let them ruin your life or your relationship.