OK, I'm back but I don't know for how long.

Not much today. Some general and personal comments concerning self-confidence.

I have read several entries and replies recently where the people said they were overachievers when they were young and had trouble because for most of their lives they felt like they didn't measure up. Several were getting those feelings under control now that they were adults. Feeling much the same about myself for most of my life, I thought I'd speak up.

We worry so much today about the underachievers, straining our schools' ability and budget to "bring them up" to standard. Eventually, realizing that maybe they weren't really capable of making everyone above average, the schools lowered average (at least for some people, anyway).

By the way, off the subject, one of the leaders in the 1930's of one of the biggest labor unions, made the statement: "We will not rest until all workers have above-average salaries." Think about it. That's our schools today with achievement.

Many of the actions of our schools suggest that they're less concerned with the underachievers coming away with a better education than they are making sure their self-confidence isn't harmed when they don't perform as well as others.

And as many are demanding more money for schools (even though the extra we've thrown in so far has had contrary results), little attention is given to the overachievers, those forced to sit through "dumbed-down" and boring classes, having to get their real education outside the classroom. All in the name of helping the underachievers.

I guess one could say, "Why should we worry about them? They're doing OK." True enough, sometimes, except that the schools aren't concentrating on educating all children better, they're worried about the self-confidence in those who don't succeed. If the real goal is self-confidence, then say so and tell us what criteria is being used to determine who might have problems and need help.

These people who are overachievers frequently are trying to prove something. And they're trying to do that because someone (quite often themselves) doesn't feel they measure up. I believe that ALL kids have trouble with self-confidence. It's part of growing up. And it comes partly from the attitudes of those around you, adults and kids.

Maybe kids with achievement problems get razzed by the other kids, but so do the smart ones. I don't know, but maybe someone else here does, were the kids who did the killing at Columbine overachievers or underachievers? They could have been either, given how kids' peers behave.

I grew up with everyone telling me I was smart, no problem there. But for most of my school years I tried just hard enough to get slightly above average grades. Chalk it up to laziness, or some innate understanding that to excell in grades would make me different, ostrasized, shunned.

However, I found I had few friends anyway, because both the other students and I knew that I was different, no matter how good or poor of grades I got. And I also found that I didn't want to have most of the others as friends because...well, because they were different from me, different in interests, attitudes, abilities.

When my father died while I was in high school, it shook my world. We weren't that close, but I began to realize that I was almost grown (old generation passing away and all) and that it was up to me if I ever desired to achieve anything. It always had been, of course, but his passing seem to bring the fact into my vision for some reason.

So I buckled down in the middle of my Junior year. I joined the science club, the writer's guild, started taking advanced course. By the end of my senior year I was a Merit Scholarship Finalist, member of the Honor's Club, won the National Council of English Award, had raised my GPA to 3.75 from a 2.50, and was voted most intelligent.

But you know what, even with all that achievement, I still didn't feel self-confident. I could get a good grade, but not always the best in class. I could get a good grade, but not a girl friend. I could get a good grade, but I had almost no friends. I could get a good grade, but I had been singled out for an honor which again said I was different, obviously different.

As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that self-confidence doesn't necessarily have to do with achievement, that to a large extent it's a social thing. And I doubt the schools are going to be able to do much to influence it.

For years I fought it, fought being different, until I came to the point where I convinced myself that it's OK to be different. I fought being an introvert, until I came to the point where I realized I LIKED being an introvert. I fought the overachiever in me, until I came to grips with how useless all the extra worry was, to just do my best and appreciate however little or much I achieved.

Am I self-confident nowadays? Sometimes. Am I over-confident nowadays? Sometimes. Do I suffer from lack of confidence nowadays? Sometimes. And that's all OK, because everyone can make these same statements; I'm not different in the confidence aspect. It's when you can't make all three statements that there's a problem.

And the best thing is that I finally accept myself the way I am, including bouts of self-doubt.

And the rest of the world will just have to accept me this way, too.