OK, I'm back but I don't know for how long.

Watched the movie "21 Grams" this morning. Very interesting, if a little difficult to follow due to its non-chronological layout. Funny thing, they make movies for all kinds of reasons and I always seem to catch maybe another meaning from them somehow. Such was the same here.

I'll try not to give too much away about the movie, it's quite good, and I expect it'll have some Oscar nominations. Basically, I saw the movie to be about change, all kinds of change. Don't know if that's how the writer envisioned it, but it's what I saw. And I got thinking about change and its effects.

You know, change comes in a lot of flavors, some of it is inevitable (you marry someone who doesn't love you, probably you've got a divorce somewhere down the road waiting for you), some you can fashion (whether you put much planning into it or not), and some just happens (you're in that intersection just as that fire truck comes blasting through).

Here I'm talking about change in two general aspects, changes to our lives and how we live that life, and changes to us, our essential being. Some of the things that I see as affecting (or not affecting) these two aspects is the passage of time, events which involve us, and our own efforts.

The movie is basically about three couples, some details of the life which each had in the past, events connecting their lives, and the changes that came about as a result. As you might expect, the events were rather momentous ones for them, ones which seriously affected each of their lives and drew them into a spiral of conflict and emotion.

We've all seen examples of people who've been less than sterling in their behavior when they're young, playing with the wrong crowd, creating problems for all around them. Some of these continue this life, some seem to just get too old for it, for others events transpire which pull them from it, and finally, there are those who by their own efforts change their life.

Few of us live the same kind of life in our forties that we do in our twenties. We hope that it will be a change for the better, however we might define that. We change what it is that makes us happy, change the dreams of our heart, even, perhaps. A unmarried life of partying holds little fascination for most people once they have an opportunity for a relationship with one they love, maybe even children to continue their legacy.

Hit the bars for the rest of your life? Or have a house and spouse to come home to? Sit eating a TV dinner alone in front of the boob tube? Or have someone to share a dinner with as well as the events of the day? A cold, empty bed? Or one heated by another who loves you? MOST people choose to let their life carry them one direction in these things as the years advance.

Sometimes events transpire to push ahead the changes, both positive and negative. You're happily married? A little bout of cancer? You're single again. A traffic accident? You're single again. A harmless little tryst? You're single again. Pull yourself up, decide it's an opportunity to improve yourself, go to school, change occupations, etc. Overcome the events by your own initiative. Works sometimes.

So our life changes, sometimes by our efforts, sometimes by events, sometimes just by passage of time itself. And these three aspects operate sometimes to compliment each other, or to conflict. We try our best to control it, have limited success, some luck, bad karma, whatever.

We learn to blame one thing or another, before we finally realize that most of our life is spent in reactions to these changes, either embracing or fighting them. And however we might react, there will be more changes right after those, the changes of tomorrow hinging so totally on the ones of today that we can't separate them, can't come up with a plan to control them.

So, whatever problems we have, whatever life we have, as it is written in the Bible, it "comes to pass," it will not last, it will change. And our ability to control HOW it changes is limited. Life isn't like the children's rides where the cars go along on rails, it's more like the roller coaster, going through dark tunnels where you can't even anticipate what next will happen.

That's not to say that life can't be happy. It can, but it will change. Who knows, though, it may change to be even more happy, rather than less. You can't tell and you can't hold it still.

BUT, as mercurial as life's changes seem to be, the change in the essential character of each of us is usually miniscule. You know, at my age, in my condition, sometimes I walk by a mirror and wonder who's visage is reflected back to me. It's not me. It couldn't be me. It's not my image - not how I see myself.

And then I begin to realize that I can't envision my self at any age, me at 15, or 25, 35 or 45. At NONE of those ages did I look like me. The me inside is another person from any that the world's seen from the outside. And finally, I realize that this person that I am inside has pretty well been that same person all my life.

I realize that people can have life events which do change that inner person, but they must be drastic events. I believe that such events must, as the Marines say they do, "Tear down the person and rebuild them all new." And our inner person fights hard not to be torn down and rebuilt.

I guess I never had any of those events. I've had events in my life which made me miserable, but didn't make me change. I've changed my personnna, my veil the world sees, but not the real me. I've changed my opinions, but not the emotions behind them, just realized a better interpretation of them.

My son recently said that he wanted to get back to being the person he used to be. I don't think he ever stopped being that person, just slipped on an outer garment for the others around him to see, decided to act differently to better achieve his ends at the time.

My general impression is that a person, once his adult personality becomes set, doesn't (almost never) change. Oh, he can get a veneer of education (but he's still self-conscious or self-confident, just like before), dress better (but still be most comfortable in sweats), be an exemplary husband/wife and parent (but still desire to be the center of attention).

So, what changes do you want in your life? Can you make them happen, or will they just naturally come about? What events can you avoid and which can you not? Change is inevitable. Make good decisions about those things you can affect, because you may have a host of unfavorable events waiting for you and you'll need all the head start you can get.

And, for heaven's sakes, make peace with that inner person, he's going to be with you a long time, whatever his nature. Make him someone you really like.