OK, I'm back but I don't know for how long.

I went to Burger King today. Now I'm no novice at this, really. I've had experience, I should know the ins-and-outs of ordering, I've been doing it for 50 years. But apparently I have forgotten the basics, at least when it comes to Burger King'ese.

So I say "I'll have a whopper with fries and a double whopper with fries, to go". I thought that was simple enough. I should have known better. I should have known to stop after "I'll have a whopper with fries" and stand there, looking stupid, waiting for the question. "Do you want a number one?"

Now a quick glance at the ordering board showed that, indeed, a number one IS a whopper and fries. My first impulse was to reply in one of two ways. First possibility, "Aren't the two the same" - but was sure that might start a discussion (especially since it involved the number two instead of one) that I really wasn't prepared to enter into. The second possibility, "If I'd wanted a number one, I would have asked for one" - but I really didn't want any more confusion to befuddle his brain as he tried to figure out why I said "one" twice. So I said, "Yes, a number one would be fine."

"Did you want a medium?" Now I might have wisecracked about not knowing that whoppers came in different sizes, but I'd learned by now that was it was best to just agree with whatever he asked. "Is that for here or to go?" Obediently I said "to go", a few more keys hit and my total was 3.87.

I then asked, "What do you have for my order, that seems too cheap." He's dumbfounded by this concept, but he hands me the receipt so I can see, only the whopper and fries are on it. As much as I hated to, I said, "I also wanted a double whopper and fries." A look of consternation came over his face, he then asked, of course, "Do you want a number two?" I was sorely tempted to tell him that he was the "number two" of my day, but I was sure that then I'd have to take him home instead of a burger. So I said "Sure, whatever you say." "Do you want a medium?" "Sure" "For here or to go?"

I thought carefully about this one. OK, I could get my double whopper for here, eat it and my fries without anything to drink, then, when I was finished, take my wife's burger home (cold by then) so she could have her dinner. Naw, "to go" I proudly said, glad to have finally gotten this procedure down.

Actually tonight was relatively painless. We didn't even go into the whole issue of "Do you want cheese on that?" so I didn't have to go into the whole lactose-intolerant, it makes me clog up something terrible, spiel. Or the "For only a few cents more you can get that with a medium size drink." marketing ploy. Let's see, the soda would be watered down by the time I got home, it's a pain to transport, and both my wife and I have diabetes and the soda will have more carbs in it than we're suppose to have in the whole meal. But you see, that's information that I find private and I would prefer not to have to answer the questions at all, somehow they seem a waste of time for me.

So, what part of "Whopper with fries and double whopper with fries to go" was so hard to understand? Oh, yeah, this is Burger King. I forgot for a moment.